When Big Feelings Come Out Sideways: Understanding Misbehavior

Why hitting, yelling, shutting down, or acting “out of nowhere” is often emotional communication — not bad behavior.

Introduction: “Why Is My Child Acting Like This?”

One minute your child is calm — the next they’re yelling, hitting, refusing, or completely shutting down. There’s no obvious warning, no clear explanation, and it can feel personal.

Parents often ask:

• “Why would they do that?”

• “They know better.”

• “Where did that come from?”

At Building Bright Futures (BBF), we help families understand a key truth:

Misbehavior is often the visible expression of an emotion a child doesn’t yet know how to manage or communicate.

When children don’t have the words, skills, or regulation to express what they feel, emotions come out sideways — through behavior.

Behavior Is the Tip of the Iceberg

What adults see is behavior. What’s underneath is emotion.

A child’s nervous system may be responding to:

• frustration

• fear

• sadness

• overwhelm

• fatigue

• sensory overload

• disappointment

Behavior isn’t random — it’s a signal.

When we respond only to the behavior, we miss the message underneath.

Why Kids Don’t Always Show Feelings “Directly”

Young children are still developing:

• emotional vocabulary

• impulse control

• self-awareness

• regulation skills

Even children who can name emotions may lose access to language when overwhelmed.

Stress shifts the brain into survival mode — and in that state, emotions come out physically or behaviorally rather than verbally.

Common “Sideways” Behaviors — And What They Often Mean

🔹 Hitting, Kicking, Throwing

Often connected to:

• intense frustration

• feeling powerless

• lack of language for anger

• sensory overload

These behaviors say:

“This is too much — and I don’t know what to do with it.”

🔹 Yelling, Screaming, Talking Back

Often connected to:

• unmet needs

• feeling unheard

• loss of control

• emotional overwhelm

This behavior often says:

“I need you to notice how big this feels.”

🔹 Refusing, Ignoring, or Saying “No” to Everything

Often connected to:

• anxiety

• fatigue

• transitions

• need for autonomy

This behavior can say:

“I need some control right now.”

🔹 Withdrawal, Shutdown, or Silence

Often connected to:

• overwhelm

• fear

• sadness

• overstimulation

Quiet behavior doesn’t always mean calm — it can mean:

“I’m overwhelmed and don’t know how to ask for help.”

Why Traditional Discipline Often Misses the Mark

When behavior is treated as the problem — rather than the signal — discipline can unintentionally escalate distress.

Punishment alone may:

• stop behavior temporarily

• increase fear or shame

• discourage emotional expression

• fail to teach coping skills

Children don’t misbehave because they don’t care. They misbehave because they don’t yet have the skills to cope.

What Kids Actually Need in These Moments

When big feelings come out sideways, children need:

• emotional safety

• adult regulation

• clear boundaries

• support calming their body

• help naming emotions

• guidance after calm returns

Correction without connection rarely leads to learning.

Co-Regulation Comes Before Self-Regulation

Children learn to manage emotions by borrowing calm from adults.

Co-regulation looks like:

• staying nearby

• using a calm voice

• reducing language

• offering comfort or space

• helping the body settle

Once calm returns, the thinking brain comes back online — and learning can happen.

After the Behavior: Teaching Happens in Calm

Once emotions settle, caregivers can gently reflect:

• “That felt really frustrating.”

• “You were upset when that didn’t work.”

• “What could help next time?”

This builds:

• emotional awareness

• problem-solving

• trust

• long-term regulation skills

Teaching during distress rarely works. Teaching after calm is powerful.

Understanding Doesn’t Mean Permitting

A common concern is:

“If I understand the emotion, won’t I excuse the behavior?”

Understanding does not mean allowing unsafe behavior.

It means:

• holding limits with empathy

• addressing the emotion and the behavior

• teaching skills instead of just enforcing rules

Example:

“I won’t let you hit. I can see how angry you are. Let’s help your body calm down.”

This protects safety and emotional development.

Why This Approach Works Long-Term

Children who are supported emotionally learn to:

• express feelings safely

• tolerate frustration

• ask for help

• recover from mistakes

• regulate emotions over time

Behavior improves not because children are controlled — but because they are understood and supported.

What Parents Often Notice Over Time

When caregivers shift their response:

• power struggles decrease

• communication improves

• emotional outbursts shorten

• trust deepens

• confidence grows

This approach doesn’t eliminate challenges — but it builds resilience.

The BBF Perspective: Behavior With Meaning

At Building Bright Futures, we help families see behavior through a developmental lens.

Our programs focus on:

• emotional regulation

• play-based learning

• predictable routines

• caregiver education

• connection before correction

Because when children feel safe, supported, and understood — behavior changes naturally.

Final Thoughts

When big feelings come out sideways, children aren’t being difficult — they’re communicating the only way they know how.

Behind every challenging behavior is an unmet need or an underdeveloped skill.

When we respond with curiosity instead of control, we don’t just manage behavior — we help children grow.

At Building Bright Futures, we support families in understanding behavior, building emotional skills, and responding with confidence and compassion.

👉 Contact us today to learn about our playgroups, workshops, and family programs in Frankfort that support emotional regulation and healthy development.