How Emotional Regulation Develops in Early Childhood (And Why It Matters)

A parent-friendly guide to brain development, co-regulation, and what children actually need to learn emotional control.

Emotional Regulation Isn’t a Skill Kids Are Born With

When a toddler melts down over the “wrong” cup or a preschooler explodes when it’s time to leave the park, it’s easy to wonder: Why can’t they just calm down?

The answer lies in brain development.

At Building Bright Futures (BBF), we emphasize this essential truth to families: emotional regulation is a learned skill — not a personality trait, and not a matter of willpower.

Children are not born with the ability to manage big feelings. That ability develops gradually over many years, shaped by brain growth, nervous system maturation, and — most importantly — relationships with responsive adults.

This article explains how emotional regulation develops, what’s happening inside a child’s brain, and how caregivers can support this growth in realistic, developmentally appropriate ways.

What Is Emotional Regulation?

Emotional regulation is the ability to:

• recognize emotions

• tolerate distress

• manage impulses

• calm the body after activation

• respond rather than react

For adults, this might look like taking a deep breath before responding in frustration. For children, it starts much earlier — and much messier.

In early childhood, regulation is external before it becomes internal. That means children rely on caregivers to help them calm their bodies and emotions long before they can do it themselves.

The Developing Brain: Why Regulation Takes Time

To understand emotional regulation, we need to understand the brain.

The Three Key Brain Areas Involved

1️⃣ Brainstem (Survival Brain)

• Fully developed at birth

• Controls breathing, heart rate, fight/flight/freeze responses

• Reacts instantly to perceived threat

2️⃣ Limbic System (Emotional Brain)

• Develops rapidly in early childhood

• Processes emotions like fear, anger, joy, excitement

• Highly reactive

3️⃣ Prefrontal Cortex (Thinking Brain)

• Responsible for impulse control, reasoning, planning, emotional regulation

• Not fully developed until the mid-20s

In young children, the emotional brain is loud — and the thinking brain is still under construction. This means children feel emotions intensely but lack the neurological tools to manage them independently.

Why Co-Regulation Comes Before Self-Regulation

One of the most important concepts in early childhood development is co-regulation.

What Is Co-Regulation?

Co-regulation is when a calm adult helps a child regulate their emotions through:

• presence

• tone of voice

• physical closeness

• predictable responses

• emotional validation

Before children can calm themselves, they must experience being calmed by someone else — repeatedly.

This is not a parenting failure. It’s how the brain is wired to learn.

Examples of Co-Regulation:

• Holding a crying child while speaking softly

• Sitting nearby during a meltdown

• Naming emotions (“That was frustrating”)

• Helping slow breathing

• Staying calm even when the child isn’t

Over time, these repeated experiences literally shape neural pathways that support future self-regulation.

Age-Based Emotional Regulation Expectations

Understanding what’s developmentally realistic helps parents respond with clarity instead of frustration.

Infants (0–12 months)

• No self-regulation

• Rely entirely on caregivers

• Crying is communication

• Regulation happens through touch, feeding, rocking, and voice

🧠 Expecting self-soothing at this stage is neurologically unrealistic.

Toddlers (1–3 years)

• Beginning awareness of emotions

• Extremely limited impulse control

• Big emotions with few words

• Frequent meltdowns

🧠 Toddlers are practicing regulation — not mastering it.

Preschoolers (3–5 years)

• Improved language for emotions

• Slightly longer tolerance for frustration

• Still overwhelmed easily

• Regulation skills inconsistent

🧠 They may regulate well one moment and melt down the next.

Early School Age (5–7 years)

• Growing self-control

• Better emotional labeling

• Still need adult support during stress

• Transitions remain challenging

🧠 Skills improve, but stress can temporarily “turn them off.”

Why Stress and Overstimulation Derail Regulation

Even children who are learning regulation skills can lose access to them when overwhelmed.

Common regulation disruptors include:

• hunger

• fatigue

• sensory overload

• transitions

• unpredictable environments

• emotional stress

When stress rises, the brain shifts into survival mode — making reasoning, listening, and cooperation biologically difficult.

This is why teaching lessons during a meltdown rarely works.

What Helps Regulation (And What Doesn’t)

Supports Regulation:

• calm adult presence

• predictable routines

• consistent boundaries

• emotional labeling

• physical movement

• rest

• repetition

Increases Dysregulation:

• yelling

• threats or punishment

• shaming

• dismissing feelings

• reasoning during peak distress

Children learn regulation best after they are calm — not in the middle of emotional overload.

Regulation Is Built Through Repetition, Not Perfection

Children don’t need caregivers who regulate perfectly. They need caregivers who:

• return to calm

• repair after mistakes

• stay emotionally available

• model coping strategies

Even moments of rupture (“I yelled earlier”) followed by repair (“I’m sorry — let’s try again”) strengthen emotional development.

The Long-Term Impact of Emotional Regulation

Strong emotional regulation skills are linked to:

• improved academic outcomes

• healthier relationships

• reduced anxiety

• better problem-solving

• greater resilience

These skills don’t develop overnight — they grow through years of supported experiences.

The BBF Approach: Developmentally Informed Support

At Building Bright Futures, we help families understand emotional development through:

• play-based learning

• caregiver education

• predictable routines

• emotionally supportive environments

• community connection

We believe emotional regulation grows best when children feel safe, supported, and understood — not pressured to behave beyond their developmental capacity.

Final Thoughts: Regulation Is a Process, Not a Destination

If your child struggles with big emotions, it doesn’t mean something is wrong. It means their brain is still growing.

Every calm moment you offer, every boundary you hold with care, every repair you make — all of it matters.

Emotional regulation is built with children, not demanded from them.

At Building Bright Futures, we support caregivers with tools, education, and community to help children develop emotional regulation in healthy, realistic ways.

👉 Contact us today to learn about our playgroups, workshops, and family programs in Frankfort designed to support emotional development from the very beginning.